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We always hear "THE RULES" from the female point of view.  Now, we present the rules from the men's side.  These are our rules.  Please note that they are all numbered #1 on purpose!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

If I Ever Come to Power as an Evil Overlord…

1.   My legions of terror will have helmets with clear visors, not face-concealing ones.

2.   My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3.   My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, NOT kept imprisoned in a forgotten cell of  my dungeon.

4.   Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.

5.   The artifact that is the source of my power will NOT be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be kept in my safe-deposit box.

6.   I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7.   When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?," my reply will be to wave my hand and allow my gunners to mow him down.

8.   When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him myself.

9.   After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, NOT a lavish spectacle in three weeks time.

10.  I will NOT include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. No button on any of my control panels will EVER be large and red. Controls will NEVER be labeled "Danger: Do Not Push" or any similarity thereof.

11.  I will NOT order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do  it myself.

12.  I will NOT interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13.  I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14.  I will NOT waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies will have to deal with it.

15.  I will make it clear to my enemies that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.       

16.  One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

17.  All slain enemies will be cremated, NOT left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18.  My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization.

19.  The hero is NOT entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20.  I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.

21.  I will design all doomsday machines myself.  If I must hire a mad scientist, I will make sure    that he is sufficiently twisted to NEVER regret his evil ways or seek to undo the damage he caused.

GUIDE TO TRANSLATING "PERSONAL" ADVERTISEMENTS

Is there a Santa Claus?

              As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus:

 1)                   No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa Claus has ever seen.

 2)                   There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.  BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that is 91.8 million homes.  One presumes there is at least one good child in each.

 3)                   Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels from east to west (which seems logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per second.  This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has 1/1000^th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back in the sleigh, and move to the next house.  Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but for the purposes of our calculations, we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household. This brings the total trip to 75,540,000 miles, not counting stops to do what most of us need to do at least once every 31 hours.

             This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 676.88 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound.   For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second.  A conventional reindeer can run 15 miles per hour, tops.

4)                   The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming that each child receives nothing larger than a medium-sized LEGO set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting that “flying reindeer” could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we could not do the job with eight, or even nine.  We would need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload, not even counting the weight of the sleigh, to 354,430 tons.  Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

            5)                   354,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance.  This will heat the reindeer in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa, meanwhile, would be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.  A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

             In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he is dead now!

Top 12 signs your child has a Pokemon gambling problem:

12. Hocks the dog for a Pikachu and 2 Jigglypuffs.

11. Last year's $1600 Beanie Baby collection is nowhere to be found.

10. You find a My Little Pony head in his bed.

9. She refers to the neighbor kids as "those dirty, Pikachu-hoarding bastards."

8. Little Timothy now insists on being called "Montana Tim."

7. Has taken to calling you "Daddylion" and "Mommozar."

6. Claims her kneecaps were broken in a freak hopscotch accident.

5. Christmas list includes Lego's, in-line skates, and $30,000 to pay back "Vinnie the Shark."

4. From behind the garage, you hear: "Come on, Baby! Pikachu needs a new  pair of shoes!"

3. Pete Rose keeps calling to ask if little Johnny can come out and play.

2. You receive a package from summer camp containing Billy's ear and a note asking for a Charizard.

1. She's been on the phone all morning, ranting and chain-smoking candy cigarettes.

Tandem Writing Assignment

                Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.

                There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

                The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

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STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

                At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite on lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile.  But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

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                Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his trans-galactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

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                He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth  - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman? "she pondered wistfully.

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                Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!  I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

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                This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

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                Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FU@KING TEA??? Oh no I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."

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                Asshole.

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                Bitch.

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                Wanker.

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                Slut.

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                Get fu@ked.

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                Eat sh!t.

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                FU@K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

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US Marine Corps Rules For Gunfights


1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

9.5 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. Have a plan.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

16. Don't drop your guard.

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4."

    Things We Say in Firefighter I That Sound Dirty (But Aren't)